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Going, going, gone...

If you need me, you should already have my email address to contact me. This journal is now defunct and truly, sans seimei. :)

Saturday, July 26, 2003 06:39 p.m.


*glomps the computer*

Quality time with my happy electronic device. ^_^

I'm basking in the afterimage of last night's dreaming. The dream is muddled and strange. Many people I knew were there, and were were doing something.. looking for something. How isn't clear, but we .. died? I don't think we died, and yet we found ourselves in what I think was supposed to be heaven. No, not official heaven. A place in the heavenlies? Limbo? Another dimension? It didn't look like the cliche. Where we were standing was like a really nice old building. Tall ceilings. Beautiful brick work. There was a room one of the people with me said they thought was the throne room, but I didn't think they were right. I looked inside. What I was looking for was bright light, brilliant and a sea of glass and a majestic being.. and it was empty and I was sure it wasn't the throne room.

As soon as I saw it was empty I said to myself, "It isn't the throne room. G-d isn't in it." Then I turned around and the people I was with had wandered off in the building, but I didn't want to find them. I figured they just wanted to look around, but in the dream I felt sure I was in the spiritual realm (heaven?) and I wanted to find Yeshua. And I looked all around me for him, and then the same beautiful man I've seen before in dreaming was there! It might be representative only, but when I see this man it is always him. Just like the other man is always the antichrist/satan. Ironically, on the surface they both are good looking, but one is loathesome. The other comes like a quiet spring wind and sun on the waters.

When I saw him, I called out his name. In retrospect, I had actually been calling for him out loud without even realizing it. He came down the hall and walked to me. I couldn't really see his face but I could feel his presence. I called and he heard me and he came! And I was so... maybe joy isn't the word? Maybe it is. It's hard to describe. There was such relief at seeing him that I threw my arms around him, and he held me. It isn't possible to describe what it's like to be so close. It happened to me once before, and I wake up.. and it's like it's still there. And all day I can reach inside and the feeling pulls back up again like recorded on a video cassette only it's all feeling. So.. loved. Warm. Tingly. Gentle. Love.

But then I had to let go, and he told me I had to go back. Something happened and it was like stepping through glass from one world to the next, and I was back where I had been at the beginning with the others. Only this time, I was alone. The others didn't come back with me. There was something I was supposed to do and I wasn't allowed to come back until I finished, but I don't know. I didn't know what it was I was supposed to do. Inside I can feel the words, "Trust me," and I know it'll be clear in the end. -_-

Now I don't feel so stranded anymore. The past few weeks have been hard. The past few days have been trying. I've felt drained, adrift, trapped, ineffective. Now I feel recharged from the inside. It's true, being the creation I am I have all humanity's tendency to falter, and in a few days if it gets really bad again the temptation to just sink back in and forget the lifeline will be there, but I'll try to remember! He wants me to remember. :)

Yes, I'm difficult.
Yes, I'm stubborn.
Yes, I'm imperfect.
Yes, I can really grate on nerves.

But I'm loved.
And I'm trying, because he wants me to try.

Even though I get very fed up with myself and want to just tell myself to give it up. I can't give it up. It's not for me. Trying might mean people won't like me, but people are fickle anyhow and I can't put my faith in them. If I fail, and I will, I have to dust off and go on! Something undone is left to do and I have to reach that point.

Saturday, June 7, 2003 01:50 p.m.

Um.. wow.. No comments whatsoever from the peanut gallery. I should count my blessings perhaps. :)

Thursday, June 5, 2003 08:26 p.m.

The following dream is from March. I had written it down then, which is why it's referred to as "last night" in the text. ^_^;;;

Dragon Dream from 03/29/03

Last night was actually kind of frightening at points, although it was victorious in the end, and it had the most dreaded of all dream conventions - the dream within a dream. Not only did I have a nested dream, but when I woke up from the inner dream, my mom was there in the upper dream and she was sitting next to my bed waiting for me, because she also dreamed of the dragon. She kept referring to it as the Tristan. In the dream I also called it that.

There was a muddy bit of dream that didn't stay with me strongly that happened first and involved being hunted by an organization that was bombing and capturing people where we lived. Mostly I remember running, hiding, and well.. more trying not to get blown up. This portion of dreaming didn't stick with me vividly.

In the inner dream, I was standing on a narrow cement platform just off the side of a kind of house. Out in front of me was a vast expanse of water. There was a continued bit of cement platform that extended out into the water. To my left my mother came out of the building, and behind me was a youngish man in one of those electric wheelchairs who was a representation of complete and utter evil. There was an overlay of information that come from him telling me he was guilty of terrible, heinous crimes. The type of torture, mutilation, and horrifying things you don't even talk about, and I was very careful not to go near him.

His presence made me very upset. Then he vanished from the scene and my mother, on my left, began to walk forward into the water. When she had gone in up to her waist she bent over in a hunched position as though she were in pain, and the information overlay came again (my way of describing the sudden "knowing" of past, present, and future that can happen in dream) and she looked at me and I told her to hurry and get out. She started to struggle in the water, and after what seemed an interminable amount of time, although it was only seconds, she had struggled to the edge of the cement platform I was standing on that jutted out. I grabbed her and hauled her up just as something huge went by in the water below.

A few seconds later the water in front of the platform churned and a black and hideous dragon plumed out into the air straight at us. It came within inches of me, and unlike in many of these kinds of dreams, I was genuinely terrified. It's long body was stretched taunt with effort, and at it's tail there was a man, or what seemed to be a man, holding it back. Its jaws were gaping and its eyes were red. Both my mother and I took that opportunity to get out of there. We ran into the house and shut the door behind us. In the house we found ourselves in a kitchen. At the table my father was sitting, and it was the only role he had in the dream.

No sooner were we in that the dragon was released and came immediately to the windows of the kitchen, which horribly were glass. Outside it pressed it's face against them and thrashed, and it was only a matter of time before it came crashing through the glass. We chose to go deeper into the house in search of a hiding place. The house was huge. As the dream progressed, it grew - adding rooms and adding floors at an alarming rate. The first few we went into were bizarre. Large, formal high ceilinged rooms that had the upper levels open to below, but no stairs. Instead there were twisting shapes of metal and rubber that, if you did it right, you could get up to the next level. Otherwise, like happened to me at first, you'd get stuck and have to climb back down and start again. We went up a level and I immediately lost my mother. That was the last of the family member appearances in the dream.

Still running through the building from room to room. All of the rooms were huge and vaulted and ornate. They were like the most ornate rooms of a British Palace or something of the sort, only they did not seem to be made for a person. The scale was too big, and almost none of the areas had stairs going up the levels. You could get up if you wanted to try your hand at some serious wall climbing for the most part. Only one room had stairs. Three massive curved staircases, one going up to the right, one going up the middle, and one going up to the left. It was in this room that I was almost caught by the dragon, who was most definitely in the building now.

He came in, and I panicked and charged up the middle stairs. He did not see me, but I knew he smelled that I had been there oh so recently, so I ran as silently as I could. After many rooms, I dead-ended in a massive golden (gold because the atmosphere and light was gold, not gold as in real gold) room. Along the right hand wall from where I entered were many windows, the old style of old buildings. Tall and narrow. About 20 feet up there was a kind of wide ledge going around the room with the exception of the wall with windows. In the room were several other people my own age, and we all were running from the dragon. After much panicked struggle we climbed on the ledge and hunkered down. There was a bit of a lip over it and we pathetically hoped to escape the dragon's notice, for he would be looking for us on the ground.

I could hear him coming down the hall - I was on the end of the ledge, where it ended meeting the wall with windows. Another twist in the plot started here, however, because while the dragon came in seeking us, and I don't know how he could possibly have missed us, a change happened, and either he turned into the man in the room or he vanished and was replaced by the man. It seemed to be the later, because I saw the man as a servant of the dragon, not the dragon himself. He was probably late 30's or early 40's and dressed very respectably in a suit and tie. I became alarmed that we were truly discovered now, and jumped down off the ledge catching his attention. It seemed to me that it was too late for us to escape, and this way he would find me and not realize the others were also there.

The man had a hideous dark brown and black knife in his hand, quite incongruous with his presentable look, and it was filthy. I snatched it from him, but he thought nothing of it. In fact, he was rather amused by it and asked me what I was going to do with it, because it was not my weapon and I had no power or skill with it. I agreed with that, which amused him even more, until I turned my back on him and used the handle to smash into the tall glass window next to me, pushing the glass out. At this point we were close to 20 floors up and it fell a considerable distance away from me. As soon as that was accomplished, I gave the horrible man back his knife, stuffing it into his hand before jumping out the window.

He was rather astonished. Actually, so was I. At first I assumed I would simply fall away, but after dropping a few feet that was rectified as I remembered I could fly. This left my primary fear to be the dragon again. He knew I had gone out the window, because his servant had seen me, and what his servant saw, he also knew. I was terrified he would come and catch me in his claws while I was wide open. So I flew instead around the building 3 sides away. On that side the building again seemed to have grown. It was towering and gothic in style and proportion although not in color. It was more of a dull light brown, tan color. I flew up from there, rushing past the floors to a top window. I knew the dragon was looking for me, and that the last place he would look would be his own chambers.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Go me. But it was also beginning to dawn on me at this point in the dream that the dragon was not as powerful as he seemed, and that I might have something I could fight him with, if it would just be revealed to me. So that was also in my mind. I was gaining confidence. This part of the building was ominous beyond ominous. Like a castle with stone walls and gigantic solid wood doors and the light was as though it were lit by torches, though there were no torches. Again, the proportions were not for a man, but for a dragon, and each door I opened reminded me how small I was. There were many horrors in his lair. Places where there were women and men he did terrible things to mentally, physically, and sexually. And in those places they were confined and watched. Some of these rooms seemed very modern, with the different evils set into the walls side by side, one after another.

It was in one of these rooms I encountered a different man, also with an air of pervasive evil around him. He was similar to the servant I'd seen moments before in the suit and tie only more distinguished and more powerful. He came and walked along beside me, and I had the most horrible vision. Yes, I had a vision in the middle of a dream within a dream. I saw another place and what looked like a darkened old church with the fancy pulpit and huge pipe organ. It was deserted except for two people. The person on the right was obscured from my view. The person on the left was clear - a dark haired man dressed like the others in a suit and tie. While I watched he was ripped apart from the inside, his head tearing off and arms and legs - mostly I remember the way it looked with the skin and tendons and vertebrae dangling from his head and the expressionless face falling off and hitting the floor.

What came out of him was the black dragon. The man was the dragon. The dragon was his true form. The vision ended and I looked at the man walking next to me. He was similar, but not the same man, and I knew suddenly that he was the current "dragon" although he really wasn't THE dragon. He was the one people knew as the dragon, as there had been one through the generations always, but what they did not realize is that the first dragon, the REAL dragon, had never died and still held the reigns and the power.

We came out into a long stone room. I turned to face the man and he was gone. In his place was the man I had seen in my vision a few minutes earlier - the human appearance of the dragon himself. Behind me was an outside wall with a large stained glass window and light was streaming in. Above the stained glass there was an opening with no glass right to the outside, the way windows are in castles. The dragon who now looked like a man was coming towards me, and the smile on his face was evil incarnate. But suddenly all of my fear left me, and I did not back away from him. I was standing on some sort of paper and I started to make some kind of shield or attack around myself, which he found even more amusing and for some reason he thought that I was able to do this because I was standing on this "special" piece of paper, that I swear looked like a color page from an oversized magazine.

I had to back up because of his advance, and I stepped off the sheet. He thought then I was helpless, but I knew then that I wasn't. These learning dreams are really tough on the nerves is all I can say. If I knew all the stuff at the beginning I know by the end, all the suffering wouldn't have to happen in the middle, but I digress... I have to stress that in my dreams, all battles pare down in the end to a spiritual one. When it comes to the crucial point, the deciding moment, the fight is one in the spirit realm, and as such I feel sort of corny trying to verbalize how it is. It's not something I can describe well, and there really aren't the kind of special effects you can see with your eyes.

We fought, the dragon and I, and this portion of the dream ended. Or, I should say, the inner dream ended. The dragon did not prevail.

I woke up into my real bedroom, and I knew when I woke up that I had defeated the dragon, but I didn't get to actually see that part, so I'm not sure how long it took. The lights in my room were on and my mother was sitting in a chair next to the bed. I sat up immediately, completely awake, and looked at her, and she somehow knew what it was I had dreamt about already. I also knew she knew, and I knew that she had dreamt of the dragon also, so I told her I had dreamed of the dragon as she had. We started to talk about it, referring again and again to the dragon as Tristan. It was this conversation that I genuinely woke up from, into my real room (again) only not quite so bright since the lights weren't on, and I was alone - no mom sitting next to the bed.

Thursday, June 5, 2003 10:36 a.m.


I'm on a different machine than my own right now, so I can't reach my already typed out entry about the dragon. That's alright, because this morning G-d impressed a different message on my heart to share. It's not a new message any more than the other ones I've put here have been, and if you know me offline it might sound like a broken record because I've gone off on it rather...often, but it's an area that I don't hear being spoken about, which scares me. Only once, and only recently, have I ever heard someone speak on it, and they did not cover it nearly with enough strength of conviction.

Worship. If you know G-d and have read His word then at the very least you have some understanding of just how important worship is to Him. Yet, in churches and congregations all over the world we have bent and perverted this command to make it into something for us. Worship is not for us. Worship is what we give to the L-rd. It is an offering.

It is also an area of churches and congregations that can cause the greatest division and the greatest derailment of vision. Why? Go way back... all the way back to Genesis. Back to the fall of mankind. Who was Lucifer? And how is it that he is so persuasive, so appealing to so many? Allow me to remind you that before he fell he was the foremost cherubim in heaven, and he was the one in charge of worship. If you lead worship for your group, you should be shaking in your boots now.

Do you realize where you're standing? How precarious your position? How important it is for you never to lose focus on the One whom you praise? The danger for pride? Pride is what made Lucifer say to himself, "Let them also worship me." He was the one standing before the others directing worship of the living G-d, but all those millions around him following him, that power..that feeling of being the leader, of being beautiful, wonderful, and all the other things G-d made him to be, made him think to himself that he deserved praise too. And he doesn't. You praise the creator, not the created.

Oh, how the church has bought into the package the world advertises! We want to be just like them! How backwards! Show me in the Bible, old or new testaments (it's good for you to go digging anyways because you'll be reading the word ^_~), any place where either in heaven or on earth corporate worship is done in the manner we do it nowdays.

When the Levites who played intstruments and sang went foward first into battle, they marched with the people. The people and the music moved forward as one. When the singers of the temple praised, do you see anywhere were it talks about them? Or says it was a show? Or that people were watching them? Where on earth do we get this perverse idea? When they sang the song of Moses, when Miriam danced, did they do it before the people or was it truly corporate - one people in one accord lifting one voice? You tell me. And you tell me which honors G-d more.

G-d gives gifts to every person on the planet, but we have mistaken talents for spiritual gifts. Many people, believers and non-believers alike, have talents for music. And as long as their music isn't advertising things that are dirty or perverse, there is nothing wrong with the enjoyment of the sound and/or the words. Music can give us joy as well as be worship. BUT, there is a difference between the talent for music and the gift of ministry.

Many can play and sing, but few are called by the L-rd and gifted with the true gift of ministry through music. You can tell the difference easily. When they play do you think about them, about how good they are, about how nice the music is, about how fun it is? If you think about those things, they do not have the gift of ministry. If when they play you forget they're there and find yourself and your voice meshing as one with the others around you and forgetting about anything but the one you're praising together, then the man or women leading you has the gift of ministry through music.

This is a great pet peeve of mine. The church wants to be like the world. They want flash. They want show. They want a little group on a stage they can look at and the people on the stage enjoy being looked at and the pomp and the show.

Quite frankly, no matter how pretty you are, if I'm there to worship I don't want to look at you. You distract me. I do not like it when I'm trying to focus on the L-rd and I'm constantly being bombarded by other believers all around me who are vying for attention, who want to be noticed, who are making a show, who are talking or doing other things. There are enough things in the world to grab my attention and pull me off focus. It's a hard world we live in.

When I am with my brothers and sisters in the L-rd, in the house of the L-rd, and we are standing in supposed one accord to life praise to our G-d and King, yes.. my expectation at that moment is different than my expectation of the world. Set aside your pettiness and need for personal validation if only for 15 minutes. Worship isn't about you. If you can't handle that, or are struggling, at least have the decency to admit it so we can all help you. So we can pray with you. So we can all get back on track. Take off your masks of false humility. Take off your mask of, "Look at me, I'm loving G-d, see me praise." Be real.

Not only do you pollute the offering going up before the throne of G-d, you show the world the very thing they accuse you of. Hypocrisy. It's a hard argument to battle when someone rejects what you are trying to tell them because they've seen it all before. Backbiting. Selfishness. Self promotion. Dog eat dog, not just among believers but as standard issue behavior in the church itself. As part of the service! It makes me want to vomit.

We all struggle with sins. It's just part of being still in these bodies, but please.. I don't see anyone putting up a fight! In this area, I don't see anyone trying to struggle against it. Trying to do right. Everyone has put up their hands (literally) and surrendered to the worship of the world. And when the worship falls, the people scatter, the ranks are split, the voice is no longer one voice and the people are no longer one people.

Everything in scripture is there for a purpose. Every word. Every example. Don't you think we were told of why Lucifer fell and how a 1/3 of the angels fell with him for a reason? As a warning? That even those right next to the throne can have it go to their heads. Even those who lead the people to worship the L-rd can start to desire a little of that recognition for themselves. That it will break down the people. That it will cause a split. Every kind of pride and dissention.

Get the worship on track and you have at least some foundation of unity to stand on before the living G-d. Put away the stage. Put away the show. Come down from the high place. Lead with voice and example, but sing WITH us.

Tuesday, June 3, 2003 04:56 p.m.

There's more to this that I need to add since posting. Isn't that always the case? I have so much information I can't get it out fast enough. Grr. Brain overload! I can't work fast enough...

Afther I shambled back to my bedroom to go back to sleep, He gave me Psalm 91. I forgot that Psalm 91 is what it is until I read it. ^_^;;

But the next day when I came home from work and had a little time, my mother and I discussed my dream. She was given the interpretation right after I said I had one, even before I told her what it was. And she actually got it right (because I also had the interpretation, but I had the help of having the dream to go with it).

It was later while she was talking to me about it that she remembered something that happened to her earlier in the day before. She was working in the kitchen and heard someone, a male voice, call her name very loudly just like I did. My father was home from work and working in the yard so she went outside to ask him if he called her. He didn't.

It had slipped her mind until she was thinking about what I said, and later my father said the same thing, that yes.. she did come out looking for him the day before because she heard someone call her name loudly, but it wasn't him.

The interpretation is this:
When I have a dream of prophecy, I always am a direct participant in the dream.. most often the main character, however, the role I play is almost NEVER myself. In almost every case, I have been Israel. Perhaps fitting that a Jewish woman should be called to illustrate the point, as Israel is always called a woman and referred to as female in the scriptures.

The dream is a warning. We are very close. The anitchrist and the nations who will come against her cannot do what they must do in their role of prophecy if they do not have Jerusalem. They MUST have Jerusalem. If the anitchrist is to call himself god he must own Jerusalem and stand there. Jerusalem is what will be a cup of trembling to the nations. It is Jerusalem that will draw the attention of the world. And most likely, it is Jerusalem that will be taken from Israel and made a piece of the United Nations - a city for the world to SHARE, but not to share the way G-d intended. This is why in the dream the man who came for me did not plan to kill me. He needed me. Without me the plan he had enacted could never be fulfilled. He intended to steal away with me and make me his.

It is important to note that he did not BREAK into the home. He came at night, but he came quietly and without causing damage. He made no sound. The inhabitants raised no alarm. At no point in the dream did my parents wake up - not even when he was right outside their door with me. This is a warning to the church, those who say they love Israel and identify with her. Yes, even YOU can miss it. Even you may be decieved it it is possible. They didn't wake up. If you don't call on G-d to open your eyes neither will you, and it will be too late no matter how much you say you identify with Israel.

It is also important to note that I did not have the ability to speak, to move, or to fight back. The oppression was a spiritual one. A demonic power. And until we stepped into the light in the bathroom, I did not see clearly who had me or what my danger was.

Once we were in the light, for even a moment, I saw who it was who had me and realized my danger, but I could not save myself. I could not even scream to alert my family that I was going to be taken!

Israel will be in just such a position before the end. By the time she wakes up, there will be no saving herself. She will not be able to say, "It was my army, my planes, or my intelligence."

However, the man who had me realized he could not go out the way he had originally planned (the bathroom window). It is ironic that his plan is what allowed me to see what he really was. His plan worked AGAINST him.

When he turned to carry me out into the darkened house the way he had slipped in. He made it back to the door of my room, but just before he could step with me into the darkness around the corner the voice cried out. When I heard it I recognized my name clearly, and it was said in a voice of power/command and with a sense of urgency, but not fear.

The voice called me out of my situation and completely anihilated my enemy. It speaks in Revelation about the return of the L-rd. He will speak and his voice will be the weapon. This is the second time I've seen this illustrated in dream, and quite frankly.. it's not much of a fight.

He speaks. Every enemy melts away. Period. No man can stand. Period.

Who CAN stand when HE appeareth?

The dreams are coming faster now, and with more detail.. more specialized. In every case I can go to the scripture and find the very thing I dreamed of and confirm it.

This last so far is a very urgent warning to those who follow the L-rd. Wake up. Be looking. Things are moving along and most importantly... watch Israel. She is the sign for the nations. What you see happen in her will tell you where we are. Trust in Him. Cal on His name. And be READY.

What is to come isn't going to be a cakewalk, which is why G-d has given us His word for comfort, instruction, and signs to look for so we will have hope.

Next time... The dream of the dragon. The dream previous to this last was about the antichrist himself and his prophet. It was very... I think I understand now how it was Daniel woke up so upset from his dreaming. To see such things up close and personal, especially for him in a time when they were to be sealed, FAR before the end and before all the things we have seen, it must have shaken him to the roots of his faith. I might need to post it in two parts due to the extreme length.

Saturday, May 31, 2003 11:22 a.m.

So many things to say. So much in my head, and the world moving at 2 times the speed of light. It's always the important and meaningful things that suffer from time loss, because to do them with justice requires a certain amount of concentration and time spent. *sighs*

That being said...Head. Like fuzz and a sledgehammer. >_<

Terrible terrible dreaming last night. *squints at the screen blearily* Dreaming like the dream where I heard the great rushing and roar of something screaming over my house and felt the ground rumble and the house shake, and when I woke up I could swear that even after I was awake the floor was still shaking a little and the roar was still fading overhead. The kind where it feels like something outside is waking me and I wake up to answer whatever it is and I'm totally, obnoxiously awake and alert and can't figure out why nobody else in the house is and why nobody else heard anything.

For my purposes of telling it here, it doesn't help me much that the dream had a central Muslim figure. -_- But that part of the dream was rather important, so I'm going to be leaving it in in the telling.

The dream itself was unusually short. Incredibly short even, because it was cut short by the thing with woke me.

In the dream I was in my home, just like I really was in my home. The time in the dream was the time it really was (only IRL I was asleep in my room and not awake). Just like in the crash dream. A man had let himself into our home very silently while we slept. An arabic Muslim man (which I know isn't going to win me brownie points for tolerance and pc). He was wearing some kind of military outfit I didn't recognize, but I honestly can't remember him having any kind of weapon with him.

He crept into our home, and the way he came in was very skilled because he did not break any glass or smash any doors. Very silent and very clean. He came up towards the front of our home where the bedrooms are. Mine is the room separate from the others along the edge, and he came there, and he grabbed me out of my bed. I remember there was something terribly wrong in the dream. I wanted to speak up and make some noise so that my parents would wake up and know this man was in the house, but I couldn't make any noise. My throat was so terribly dry and my tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, not unlike how it was when I woke up. <-- still cotton mouthed.

It crossed my mind that perhaps he was going to kill me, but then there was this strange moment where he carried me up the hall a bit to the bathroom and in, and the lights were on, and I got a decent look at him even though I couldn't speak. At that point I wanted to very badly because we were only 3 feet from the door to my parent's room. We (him and me being carried) stood there a moment and contemplated the window, but then he turned around and carried me back out to the hall. When he turned around in the bathroom I knew, with that peculiar narratoresque dream knowledge, that I was going to be carried off. That he had come here to "get" me and I was going to be taken somewhere that I desperately didn't want to go because it boded veeeeeeeeery badly. He wasn't going to kill me, but whatever was going to happen would be much worse. There seemed to be some purpose of his/theirs that I was going to be used in.

As he stepped out of the bathroom and went down the hall, back past my room and turned the corner to backtrack into the living room (the bathroom light was on, my bedroom light, the hallway, and the living room were all very dark as they would be seeing as we were all asleep when he came in), just before he could step with me into the dark to take me out the way he came in I heard a loud shout.

A voice that I thought was my father's called my name very loudly, yelled it quite powerfully and quite urgently, and I answered it. The voice was very commanding. I still couldn't speak, but I found myself sitting on my bed blinking and I swear I could still hear the echo of the shout. I honestly thought that something really was going on and that my father must have shouted my name, which must have woken me.

Like the time before I sat on the bed for a few minutes and waited for the follow up. When I woke up from the boom of the crash I sat and waited and waited, because I could have sworn somebody would come stomping in my room at any minute to say, "Did you hear that?! The house shook!" Which of course never happened until many days later, and of course during the real thing I slept through it while everyone else panicked. Go figure. ^_^;;;;;;

It was like that again. I was waiting for another call, or for someone to come in my door and follow up on my name. Nothing happened. Considerably startled by the fact that I know I heard my name called loudly, and the only male in the house is my father, and still being rather in shock (the dream was vivid. insanely vivid and it took place in the same time and setting I woke up to, not to mention the entire still being able to hear and feel from the dream after I was awake) I got myself up off the bed and trudged down the hall (a creepy repeat of what had just happened), past the bathroom, and to my parents room. They weren't terribly thrilled to be woken up, and my dad I think was very creeped out by my insistance that he must have called me because I heard a male voice call my name very commandingly.

It's interesting, because that call is what ended the terror for me. And even now, I would swear completely that the call did not come from my dream. It came from outside my dream and the voice I heard was not someone in the dream at all. It was so loud, so shocking, and so... it was VERY commanding, that I woke up. It overrided the terrible presence in the dream, and the man who had me was very very terrible - his presence was like the worst evil, the most terrifying horror film, and nullified what was about to happen to me. Because of the voice the presence did not get to take me.

I'm very grateful. -_- But am left a little puzzled. The voice must have been the voice of the L-rd. o_o Which is.. kind of staggering.

flashback moment:
It reminds me of a strange vision I had a number of years ago. I was lying down asleep when in the middle of the night I woke up, or maybe I wasn't awake (it's very unclear to me if I was seeing a vision or having a dream) and there was someone leaning over me. The presence "wanted" me. It wanted to marry me, and I didn't want to marry it. Not in a one time grab in go kind of way, but in a forever kind of way. When it reached for me to insist another presence came and stopped it. He was my rightful bridgroom. There was a great literal physical wrestling over me while I was lying there, and my rightful groom won and the terrible presence left.
End flashback moment.

My gosh my head hurts this morning though. >_< My mother stormed into my room before I was totally awake and demanded I tell her the dream, which I couldn't yet do. Still couldn't quite function. Not a morning persssssoooooooonnnnnnn..... *head thunks down on keyboard*

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 10:04 p.m.

It has come to my attention that this place where I ramble, where I drivel away the things I'm working around in my mind and heart where others can see so that they can see that believers struggle with all the same things they do only we have a hope at the end of the pain and a help in the struggle, that people actually read this pita.

*blinks* [there is complete and utter silence]

People other than the 2 or 3 regulars who come by to see what I'm on the soapbox about on a fairly consistant basis. ^_~ And that being the case, now I'm very embarrassed that I haven't updated in ages upon ages.

*looks over at her links list and notes all the broken ones, all the obsolete ones, and all the ones she no longer visits and sweatdrops a bit*

Fortunately, I have something I was planning to share that I can put up to rectify the situation. A bit. Maybe... Most importantly I need to update the prophecy section.